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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.