I Was Convinced That I Identified As a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Realize the Actual Situation

In 2011, a couple of years ahead of the acclaimed David Bowie display debuted at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I publicly announced a lesbian. Up to that point, I had solely pursued relationships with men, with one partner I had entered matrimony with. After a couple of years, I found myself nearing forty-five, a recently separated mother of four, residing in the United States.

At that time, I had commenced examining both my sense of self and romantic inclinations, seeking out understanding.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - before the internet. As teenagers, my peers and I were without social platforms or video sharing sites to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; instead, we looked to music icons, and throughout the eighties, musicians were playing with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned boys' clothes, The flamboyant singer embraced women's fashion, and bands such as well-known groups featured performers who were proudly homosexual.

I wanted his slender frame and precise cut, his strong features and masculine torso. I wanted to embody the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I passed my days driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My spouse transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an powerful draw revisiting the manhood I had once given up.

Given that no one experimented with identity as dramatically as David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a seasonal visit returning to England at the museum, hoping that maybe he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain specifically what I was looking for when I entered the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, consequently, stumble across a insight into my true nature.

Before long I was positioned before a compact monitor where the film clip for "the iconic song" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the foreground, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while off to one side three backing singers wearing women's clothing crowded round a microphone.

In contrast to the performers I had seen personally, these female-presenting individuals failed to move around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Placed in secondary positions, they chewed gum and expressed annoyance at the boredom of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a fleeting feeling of empathy for the backing singers, with their thick cosmetics, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They seemed to experience as ill-at-ease as I did in women's clothes - irritated and impatient, as if they were longing for it all to conclude. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I knew for certain that I desired to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I wanted his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his masculine torso; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would have to become a man.

Announcing my identity as homosexual was a different challenge, but transitioning was a much more frightening outlook.

I needed additional years before I was prepared. In the meantime, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I stopped wearing makeup and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, trimmed my tresses and commenced using male attire.

I changed my seating posture, walked differently, and modified my personal references, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the potential for denial and regret had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

When the David Bowie show concluded its international run with a stint in the American metropolis, after half a decade, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been presenting artificially all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and then I comprehended that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. It took additional years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I worried about materialized.

I continue to possess many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.